My Life

Today I just can't raise my spirits.  Am I a walking negative ion?  I seemed to have no problem just giving out such charges.  I'm moody.

 

I think there are differences in our approach to relationship.  He doesn't do surprises.  He gives me the feeling that he doesn't go all the way out to please someone.  It somehow always feels to be "by the way". 

 

I don't know.  Maybe I'm tired.  My shoulders are aching because I've been staring at the screen the entire day yesterday.  The silly shoulder and neck problem are back.  My back is starting to give me problem again (after so many months).  Somehow, I feel my age is catching up with me. 

Yesterday wasn't exactly a happy day at work.  I can feel the frustrations from Colleen...  Boss went to salon to do her hair (well, they've got wireless there, so she worked from there)...  There's a major Orientation coming up on Monday.  I don't know, but somehow I felt that things are not in place...  Maybe I'm the worrisome type.  This week has been a tiring week for me as I have programmes running the entire week and I need to wake up by 5plus in the morning so that I can get reach office before 8.10am.  I looked at myself in the mirror every morning and realised that my eye rings are getting darker...  Think it's a matter of time before I can't conceal it anymore with concealer!

 

I left office at 7 plus, but I don't want to go home.  Well, shopping isn't what I'm into (besides, I need to save up!  Think I've been spending too much money).  And I don't want to mix with the crowd.  I'm feeling really "sian".  I wish I could see him, have him to accompany me, to be beside me.   Don't have to do anything... Just sit there beside me and hold my hands.

 

He was at the airport, sending off a friend who is migrating to Australia, after which he had an appointment with his insurance agent.  He is busy and cannot meet me.  Though he did offered to watch movie with me next week. 

 

However, I am still not happy with his answer.  Haiz... I think I'm an emotional baggage, or as Jack puts it "emotionally high maintenance".  I was thinking, "Why can't you cancel the meeting?, Why can't you meet me? Why are you always not there when I need you?"  Seriously speaking, at that moment of time, I was thinking - why do I need a boyfriend for since he can't be there for me when I need him?  In this situation, aren't I back to square 1 = singleton?

 

I went to Plaza Singapura... The tickets were sold out!  Ultra sian!  Ah... The Cathay was just nearby, let's try my luck there.  Thank God, there were tickets available.  The girl at the counter looked at me and ask "You need a pair?"  In my mind I was like "Hello!  You mean 1 person can't come and watch movie?"  Because I'm alone, I managed to get a seat at E13... not bad... right smack in the middle.

 

I hoped to be able to get some food before the show starts.  My tummy has been growling since 6 plus.  Had cookies earlier on just to satisfy the hunger... 

 

There's a super hot dog in the basement and I got myself a hotdog and root beer.  They sell root beer in bottles and that bottle was like really tight.  Sitting in the middle, trying extremely hard to pry open the bottle.  I even took out my keys!  I was really wondering if any of these guys sitting around me will offer to help me open it?  Seriously speaking, Singaporean guys = gentlemen?  That equation don't exactly work...  I guess I must be really frustrated.  In the end, I still can't open it and I banged the bottle on the table.  This guy walked past and he asked "You need help with that?"  I was like, wah... finally a knight in a shiny armour.  I thanked him and made sure I said thank you to his girlfriend too.  I don't want either party to get into trouble...

 

Before the show started, I dropped him a sms.  To be fair to him, I also need to know were there times when he was feeling down and needed me to be there, but I wasn't.  He never told me so and I really wonder how did he handle those emotions? 

 

During the show, suddenly, I wished he was there to watch it with me.  Tom Hanks is my favourite actor.  I've always want to watch his shows with someone I like.  And I suddenly remembered that he too liked Tom Hanks.

 

After the show, I saw his sms.  He replied that he would look at my pics, reminise my voice and our happy moments.  In a way, I did relent.  He is better at handling emotions than I am.

 

I had a chat with him over the phone.  I told him how I felt.  Ya... maybe I'm a baggage... Think I'm selfish and thought only of myself.  Am I really sticky?  But then again, what do I need a boyfriend for if he's not there for me?  Maybe I'm relying too much on him...

 

I finally sent him an email regarding how I felt these few days.  Not too sure if I expressed myself well... In anycase, I'm never too good with words.  But I think he should know how I was feeling all these days.  Something which I learnt is that such feelings shouldn't be left bottled up.  It might get unhealthy.  If I don't let him know, and I just keep remembering them, it is not going to be beneficial to the relationship.  It will just keep boiling and boiling and just explode one day. 

 

Talking to my new colleague helps me to put things into perspectives.  At least, now I know such feelings aren't exactly what I called abnormal.

 

I just wish he can come back safely home sooner.  I don't like the feeling of waiting for 4pm to come each day.  It's too torturing for me.

 

Sometimes I get really mad with myself.  Why am I such a useless bum?  He's just going to be away for 1 week.  I'll get to see him again this weekend.  And sometimes I wonder... does he miss me as much as I miss him? 

 

Don't know why... I feel extra sad this time round.  Maybe because he was previously away for a week, and flew off the following week.

 

Went retail theraphy and bought something expensive on impulse.  All his fault!

 

ARGH!!!  Noblia!  Get a grip of yourself! 

Toothache, toothache, toothache.  Have been experienceing toothahce for the past few days.  I can't chew my food properly, it's affecting my sleep.  Hence, I made the decision to see a dentist regarding my problem.  Well, frankly speaking, this ain't the first time I experienced toothache.  I had it when I travelled to Shanghai last September.  Thank God I brought painkiller with me.  The only bad part is - it causes nauseous.  I didn't feel well and giddy for the entire day.

 

This time round it's back.  I really have no idea why it's back.  Anyway, I thought a visit to the dentist should be that bad, but oh man.....

 

After examination, and an X-ray (seriously speaking, putting something into my mouth for a silly X-ray is really uncomfortable.  I only  managed to get my X-ray done after several attempts), it seemed that the nerve for my last molar is well, dead.  There's a large filling in there.  According to the dentist, it seemed that fillings cause trauma to your nerve so the more fillings or the bigger your fillings are, the more stress it'll cause to your nerve and the higher chances, they will be dead.

 

I was left with 2 choices - root canal surgery or extraction.

 

Now, the dentist which I visited don't often do root canal and hence he was not comfortable doing root canal for me.  He gave me 2 options - he will refer me to a dentist who specialised in root canal surgery at Camden Medical Centre.  Now this will costs me thousands of $$$.  The next option is to send me to National Dental Centre.  It's cheaper but I have wait for a few months.  Even a root canal surgery doesn't guarantee that my problem will be solved.  The same ailment would come back many years later.

 

Personally, he felt that extraction is a better way out for a few reasons:

(1)  A person don't need so many teeth to chew or talk.  Those who does braces have quite no. of teeth extracted out too.

(2)  I have a huge filling there.  It meant that I can't clean the back of my teeth as clean as I would like to.  Potentially, the same problem might repeat itself.

 

Well, extraction isn't exactly my first choice.  I was really hesitant.  I mean, why should I get my tooth out?!  However, the tooth is really giving me lots of problem.  I don't want to spend so much energy and time over it.  What shall I do?  What shall I do?

 

Finally, after much struggle, I pluck up courage - Just get it out for me!  But boy..........

 

It's been many many years since I got my tooth extracted.  Besides, this is my first permanent tooth extraction.  And oh boy... am I in for one of the MOST painful experience in my life!

 

Of course aneasthesia is necessary... Ok, here comes the process...

 

Using some instrument, he tried to push my tooth out.  "I'm beginning to push your tooth out.  You may hear some craking sound.  That's your tooth giving way..."   Yew!!!  Spare me the details!  After a short while, I heard a crack.  He managed to push the first half of my tooth out.  Now, more than 50% of my tooth is actually filling so naturally, it will break off easily.  The first half drop in my mouth, and seriously, I did worry that I might swallow it down.  Now on to my remaining tooth which is imbedded in my gums...

 

Using some plier thingy, he tried to pull the tooth out.  However the tooth was adamant.  It refused to budge.  He joked, "Maybe it's time I should hit the gym..."  Hello! This is my tooth!!!  He changed his seating direction and moved from my right to my left.  Think it made thing easier for him.  After several attempts, the tooth started to give way.  There some tissue growth in my root.  Guess the root canal might not have worked for me too.  :(  However, that's when he said "I'm glad we took the tooth out.  However, as I feared, there are complications... we have fractured one of your tooth in the process.  And need to spend some more time to get the remaining out..."  For the next 20 minutes or so was a series of drilling, suction, drilling, pulling, drilling, suction, pulling, get additional instrument (er... root canal picker anyone??)  Finally he got the remaining out.  Such a small piece but created so much trouble...  Of course it ended off with stitching of my gums.  Bye Bye toothy...

 

I was given 2 types of antibiotics, (to be taken after meal), mouth wash and painkiller.  (Ok, it is going to be painful...but boy the pain...)

 

After the leaving the clinic, I thought the aneasthesia will not wear off so soon.  To save some money, I decided to take an MRT home.  On my way, I passed by JolliBean.  Well, I don't think I'll be able to eat any solid food, I guess I should get the bean curd and eat it before I take my medicine.  I was still able to hop around, sms my boy boy regarding my situation.

 

All was well at the MRT train... till I reach Redhill Station.  Guess what happen... My anaesthetic wore off.  Next is a serious of excruciating pain.  I have never never in my life experienced anything like this.  It's really painful, agonising pain...  I really went weak in my limbs and wanted to cry.  If only he's beside me.  I really need to get home - fast.  I sms my dearie, at least he can be "here" with me, if not physically.

 

I passed by Dover Station and decided, I should not take any risks.  Let me get off at Clementi, throw the guaze, eat my med and catch a cab home.  Afraid I might not have the energy to speak, I wrote my home address on a piece of paper. 

 

Finally, Clementi station...  Why are the people moving so slowly?  Aiyo... got stairs...Buy mineral water.  Quick where's the toilet?  Can these girls don't take up the sink?  I need to spit out the blood and throw the gauze.  Can rinse?  Cannot rinse?  Aiya... whatever... just rinse.  Yes, out of the toilet.  Now where is the painkiller?  Ok, need to find the cab.  Clementi really has a lot of people... Cab cab cab... "Uncle, Woodlands St 32", I mumbled weakly... "Huh?  Where?  Woodlands ah".. "Yes...."

 

That was the longest longest and slowest ride home.  In my mind I was "Uncle can you drive faster?"  The entire time I kept looking at his speed.  90km/hr is really just too slow!  As I sit in the back seat, I can really feel myself trembling.  My knees were really weak.  I felt that there's no energy in me.  It really really agonising...  "Try and concentrate on other things..." I kept telling myself.

 

After what seemed to be eternity, Yes.. finally... I've reached my block.  Weakly, I paid the fare.  For once, I did not bid the cabbie good bye.  I really have no strength left.  Still need to carry the silly laptop...

 

I dropped all my things in my room.  I can finally cry... It's really painful!

 

I looked at the bean curd.  Oh dear... I really have no appetite...  I just wait for the painkiller to take effect.  It sure took it's own sweet time... 

 

My dearie was sweet.  Although he was busy with work... he prayed for me. 

 

Finally after half hr, the painkiller seemed to take effect.  I forced half of the bean curd down..  No choice cos I didn't eat any lunch and need to take medicine. 

 

By 6pm, it was less painful though it was still bleeding.  My dearie called to check out on my situation.

 

I guess, you just need to pass through the first hurdle after which things should get better...as in my case, the pain finally wear off by the end of the day...

 

It is so painful and dentist still asked me "So when do you want to get your wisdom tooth out...)  No way man!